The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Abridged
by M. Jade Skywalker
Summary: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Abridged, and adapted, by yours truly. I had too much caffeine.
1. Default Chapter

Act 1

Prologue

_Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy are on stage and start singing:_

Over the river and through the wood

To Professor's house we go

The train knows the way to carry the kids

Through the white and drifted snow

_(repeat 1x – at 'white and drifted snow'second time Edmund kicks Susan)_

S: Stop that Edmund!

E: Stop what?

L: Are we supposed to be onstage?

P: Not yet! Let's scram

_Exit_

Scene I

_Sounds of rain; E, P, S, and L are standing in a drawing room_

E: Oh blast! It would be raining.

S: Well, there's plenty of books.

P: I'm exploring the house. Do you want to?

L: Yes, Let's!

_Exit Stage Left and enter Stage Right_

P: Nothing here except an ol' closet. Let's go.

_P, S, and E start walking off Stage Left. L opens wardrobe and steps inside._

Scene II

_L enters Stage Right and Mr. Tumnus enters Stage Left; Lamppost is Center Stage. Mr. Tumnus is humming 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star' when he and L bump into the lamppost, and then each other_

Mr. T: (to LP) Oh, excuse me.

LP: You're excused.

L: (to LP) I'm sorry.

LP: I forgive you.

L: Oh, I'm sorry. How clumsy of me. (gives Mr. T his pack) I'm Lucy and I come from War Drobe in Spare Oom.

Mr. T: Begging your pardon, Lucy, but are you...

L: If you want to know if I am a Daughter of Eve, I don't know. But I am human.

Mr. T: Oh, Lucy, Eve's Daughter, come to my house. There'll be a fire and sardines and crackers.

L: (as she follows him around stage and off Stage Left) A fire sounds nice, and so does crackers, but sardines? Yuck!

_They come on again Stage Right. Mr. T proceeds to go back off stage and comes back with a card table and two folding chairs. He then brings out a coat rack and a tea tray._

Mr. T: Not quite like the book describes it, is it Eve's Daughter? But then, who needs the comfort of written words when a couple of folding chairs and a card table will suffice. Be seated Daughter of Eve, and we shall began our meal. Do you like sardines?

L: Well, C. S. Lewis did have a good imagination, but this _is_ your house and no one can stop you from decorating it any way you like. And no, I don't like sardines. In fact, I'm quite allergic to them. If you feed them to me, I'll get a rash, I'll get sick, that is, the not nice way, and well you wouldn't want all that.

Mr. T: Say Lucy, you wanna know what I do? I'm a kidnapper. I kidnap humans for the White Witch. It's so awful!

L: I'm not that gullible. And I'm sure you won't do it again.

_(Mr. T pretends to cry)_

Mr. T: You don't understand, I haven't done it before, I'm doing it right now you goose!

L: Well, if it comes to that Mr. Tumnus, I certainly won't give you my handkerchief. But, if you stop the name calling, and for goodness sakes stop that racket! Half of Narnia will be awake by now! And it sounds so incredibly fake it's not believable. Anyways, I've got to go back because everyone will be looking for me.

Mr. T: Oh fine. I'll risk my life taking you back. But you better give me your handkerchief or I won't. Deal?

L: It sounds a little heathenish to say a word like that, but, deal.

Scene IV

_Everyone is back in the room. L is standing with one foot in the wardrobe and P, S, and E are walking away._

L: Yoohoo! Everyone! I'm back! So don't bother looking for me. And by the way, if you want to get this over with quickly go knock on the back of the wardrobe.

P: Alright, alright. Come on Su, let's knock. And don't bother with silly tales about woods and Narnia and tea and a faun. We know that already.

S: Lucy, it's a perfectly normal wardrobe. And why are you violating from the script.

E: Ah Su, come on. You know the script needed some livening up. And I think Lucy's batty. She's lying that's what.

S: C. S. Lewis did a perfectly fine job. And do leave Lucy alone you horrid beast.

L: I shan't talk to you again Edmund (runs off crying)

P: Jolly good job Edmund. I hope you're proud of yourself. Everything was going along fine until you had to say that. I expect you to apologize to her and to Susan for insulting Su's favorite author. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

E: Well I'm not ashamed. And I won't apologize to Lucy. She knows better than to make up stories about stupid fauns. She's acting like a baby.

S: Edmund, you mustn't say things like that.

E: Stop talking like Mother.

P: Why shouldn't she? She does a wonderful interpretation. Lucy is not a baby. So hurry up, apologize to Susan, then shut up and go to bed without any supper. You'll be lucky if you get off without a whipping this time.

E: (as he walks off stage) Sorry Su!

Scene V

_The Wardrobe room again. The curtain opens as Lucy is climbing into the wardrobe and steps are heard nearby. As soon as she goes in, remembering not to close the door, Edmund appears. He to enters the wardrobe, but forgets the rule, even though it is painted in big red letters on the door and shuts it. Then the curtain closes and we come to the lamppost._

E: I say, there is a wood. I suppose it always happens like that. Someone says something, someone else says their lying and then the someone else ends up being wrong. Don't you hate it when that happens (the latter is said towards the lamppost)

LP: Oh yes. Very much so. However, I haven't had much of that happening around here.

E: You talk!

LP: Of course I talk. What do you think I am, a lamppost? This is Narnia you idiot. Well, I've got to go. The Witch Queen ought to be along soon, she'll keep you company. Tootles! (exits as a sleigh pulled by a dwarf comes in sight)

WW: What have we here? A little thing to munch on? A beardless dwarf? A boy? It's multiple choice my little man, but there's never a right answer.

E: Uh, uh, I'm an idiot.

WW: Bravo! You chose the wrong answer. Now, unless you want me to turn you to stone, how did you get here?

E: Through a door from the world of men. Oh, my name's Edmund. Can I sit on the sleigh?  
WW: Such brashness in such youth. Sit, and I will send my dwarf to fetch Turkish Delight. Now, first things first. How many brothers and sisters do you have? How many of you are there all together? You do do simple math don't you?

E: I have one brother and two sisters. There are four of us. And yes, I do do simple math. Thanks for the Turkish Delight.

WW: Four? Are you certain?

E: Well, not really. I may have forgotten a few cats, the dog, the goldfish, the parrot that I killed last summer and...

WW: That is quite enough thank you. So. Four. Hmm. That makes things very interesting. Have they been here before?

E: Only one. She met a faun. But everyone knows that fauns have less brains then a peacock.

WW: Well, you do this. Bring your brothers and sisters to my house between those two hills without telling them why. And then I'll give you more Turkish Delight. I can't now, too many people have sued me because their children are fat. But, that's what happens when little children eat food that they oughtn't. Goodbye! And don't forget the hills!


	2. Scenes IVV

Scene IV

_Everyone is back in the room. L is standing with one foot in the wardrobe and P, S, and E are walking away._

L: Yoohoo! Everyone! I'm back! So don't bother looking for me. And by the way, if you want to get this over with quickly go knock on the back of the wardrobe.

P: Alright, alright. Come on Su, let's knock. And don't bother with silly tales about woods and Narnia and tea and a faun. We know that already.

S: Lucy, it's a perfectly normal wardrobe. And why are you violating from the script.

E: Ah Su, come on. You know the script needed some livening up. And I think Lucy's batty. She's lying that's what.

S: C. S. Lewis did a perfectly fine job. And do leave Lucy alone you horrid beast.

L: I shan't talk to you again Edmund (runs off crying)

P: Jolly good job Edmund. I hope you're proud of yourself. Everything was going along fine until you had to say that. I expect you to apologize to her and to Susan for insulting Su's favorite author. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

E: Well I'm not ashamed. And I won't apologize to Lucy. She knows better than to make up stories about stupid fauns. She's acting like a baby.

S: Edmund, you mustn't say things like that.

E: Stop talking like Mother.

P: Why shouldn't she? She does a wonderful interpretation. Lucy is not a baby. So hurry up, apologize to Susan, then shut up and go to bed without any supper. You'll be lucky if you get off without a whipping this time.

E: (as he walks off stage) Sorry Su!

Scene V

_The Wardrobe room again. The curtain opens as Lucy is climbing into the wardrobe and steps are heard nearby. As soon as she goes in, remembering not to close the door, Edmund appears. He to enters the wardrobe, but forgets the rule, even though it is painted in big red letters on the door and shuts it. Then the curtain closes and we come to the lamppost._

E: I say, there is a wood. I suppose it always happens like that. Someone says something, someone else says their lying and then the someone else ends up being wrong. Don't you hate it when that happens (the latter is said towards the lamppost)

LP: Oh yes. Very much so. However, I haven't had much of that happening around here.

E: You talk!

LP: Of course I talk. What do you think I am, a lamppost? This is Narnia you idiot. Well, I've got to go. The Witch Queen ought to be along soon, she'll keep you company. Tootles! (exits as a sleigh pulled by a dwarf comes in sight)

WW: What have we here? A little thing to munch on? A beardless dwarf? A boy? It's multiple choice my little man, but there's never a right answer.

E: Uh, uh, I'm an idiot.

WW: Bravo! You chose the wrong answer. Now, unless you want me to turn you to stone, how did you get here?

E: Through a door from the world of men. Oh, my name's Edmund. Can I sit on the sleigh?  
WW: Such brashness in such youth. Sit, and I will send my dwarf to fetch Turkish Delight. Now, first things first. How many brothers and sisters do you have? How many of you are there all together? You do do simple math don't you?

E: I have one brother and two sisters. There are four of us. And yes, I do do simple math. Thanks for the Turkish Delight.

WW: Four? Are you certain?

E: Well, not really. I may have forgotten a few cats, the dog, the goldfish, the parrot that I killed last summer and...

WW: That is quite enough thank you. So. Four. Hmm. That makes things very interesting. Have they been here before?

E: Only one. She met a faun. But everyone knows that fauns have less brains then a peacock.

WW: Well, you do this. Bring your brothers and sisters to my house between those two hills without telling them why. And then I'll give you more Turkish Delight. I can't now, too many people have sued me because their children are fat. But, that's what happens when little children eat food that they oughtn't. Goodbye! And don't forget the hills!


End file.
